For some reason*, I seem to be doing archaeology at college, for which we get set about four hundred and twelve essays a week. I have neither the will nor the brain power to do most of these essays, but unfortunately my mum knows this, and is insistent that I should and constantly threatens to lock me in the utility room or take away my wine and friends if I don’t get on with it. Consequently, I have become quite the expert at making it look like I have written pages and pages of fantastic shit, when in fact I just sit around eating tangerines and drawing on my face with felt tips. Anyway, I thought I’d share with you, seeing as I’m actually avoiding doing one right now and we don't have any tangerines left. I know, I’m amazing.
1. Firstly, you actually have to do a bit of work, however, this bit isn’t very strenuous and means you can relax later. So open up a word document on your computer and type out the title. Maybe even add a few bullet points for good measure, e.g.
“Archaeology makes everyone want to die” Discuss
- 2 main views – the “No way, flint is awesome!” view (Phil from Time Team), and the “Abso-fucking-lutely, just thinking about megaliths makes me puke blood” view (everyone else)
- Hillforts suck
- but mud is quite good
This way, if a parent comes to check on your work you can show them how mature you are ‘cause you PLAN shit now.
Now, you can reward yourself by drawing a dolphin hugging a barracuda or something fun like that.
2. Before you get too carried away with marine fantasies, copy and paste a couple of paragraphs from one of the (two) essays you’ve managed to complete in your rare moments of diligence and commitment. If you’ve never had any of these moments, get something from the internet. When parent next comes to check on progress under the guise of tea bringer, you can be like “LOOK, I’VE WRITTEN LOADS I’M GREAT” and everyone will be happy. If they ask to read your ‘work’, say “Of course, I know you’ll really enjoy all the statistics and long words I’ve included” and they will fuck right off.
Carry on with the dolphins.
3. Repeat step 2 as many times as necessary.
Yay, now you’re mum thinks you’re clever and committed and won’t be able to hold this against you next time you’re shit and unorganised.
Tips for authenticity: have open books draped on desk/floor/self to give impression of ‘extra reading’, make typing noises periodically so they don’t get suspicious and/or think you have some kind of super power where you can type silently.
 |
| The finished product |
*I had a series of moronic thoughts when choosing college courses including “Ooh archaeology will make me like Phil from Time Team yay I love mud” and “hmm, I read a book with the word ‘philosophy’ in it once when I was twelve, that must be the course for me!”
***** Whilst this is a brilliant technique, it is not perfect, as sometimes teachers notice when you hand in essays which are shorter than the title*****
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