My dream job

When I grow up, I want the government to invent a job for me where I get to go round the country re-naming all the towns that have stupid ugly names.

For example, the other week I went to visit Greenfield in Bognor Regis. Fucking Bognor. Its all nice and by the sea and has flowers and a teeny tiny train in the park and shit, but I bet hardly anyone knows that as no one wants to go there because there's a bog in its name for fuck's sake. Makes you either think of the Dead Marshes or a toilet. If I got my job invented I would call it something totally rad, and I bet you a thousand satsumas its tourism trade would be off the fucking chain.

There are some towns that can definitely keep their names though, because they're already awesome as fuck. Places like Arundel, which I like to say with the emphasis on the 'Ar' so it sounds like its out of LOTR, will be totally safe.

And I would keep Bullock's Horn near Malmsbury the same, because it honestly makes my day when I drive past and see that the classy vandals of the Shire have changed the 'u' to an 'o'.

Unfortunately, my dreams will probably never come to any fruition because Davey C is a proper wanker. And that is why I will never vote Conservative.